Reaching into the Unknown
The news came as a total surprise to me as I sat in the specialists office while he reviewed the results from my colonoscopy. He showed me a picture of the healthy part of my colon and then moved towards the black, disformed mass that was lodged at the very end of my colon in the rectum and said this collection of cell tissue is cancerous. In this moment, it’s a strange mental leap to go from looking at a picture of a part of my body that is showing up as unhealthy cell growth to labeling it as rectal cancer and then owning it as a part of my body. While the evidence was clear in the picture, how to make sense of it, is another process altogether.
From highest mountain in Ireland to the doctor's office in Switzerland.
Geoff and I sat there stunned digesting this news and luckily our school nurse was with us just in case there would be some difficult information to digest. She was the one to begin asking questions about the next steps for treatment and specialist options. What was going through my mind and body was a feeling of being suspended in time, like being in the room, but not fully there, heading off in my thoughts to places like, ‘this is unbelievable, yet I know it to be true so how do I deal with this new reality? I was preparing for a new chapter in my life, one that was totally unknown to me. How am I going to navigate this? Well I know it’s not going to be done alone because clearly I need help! Help on lots of levels, physical being the most prominent one at the moment. Mental and emotional support and spiritual support. I was ready to rally up the teams even though I didn’t know who they were going to be or what any of it would look like. I was open to all the possibilities.
Looking back a number of months to reflect on the things that led up to my final decision to get a colonoscopy were a lot of small (and sometimes bigger) discomforts. I did have stomachaches, digestive problems, and tiredness that became more extreme as the months passed. My joyful energy and patience for others became thin and I began to notice I just didn’t feel like ‘my self.’ Yoga, meditation, walks in the woods, taking more vitamins, getting more sleep, nothing seemed to have an impact on how I was feeling. I dragged myself into work everyday until finally I just couldn’t think clearly anymore or have the energy to make it through a workday. Something had to give.
“I ask myself, why did I go for so long in so much discomfort? ”
Enjoying the hills of Ireland before I knew what was going on with me.
That is a good question.
Now as I am engaged in care with amazing people specialized in their respective fields supporting my overall wellness and total being, I have some perspective on just how much I expected of myself to keep going. I don’t think I’m the only one who pushes themselves in this world. Overextending and going to the end even if you’re just crawling to make it over some imagined finish line are part of unspoken common agreements. Where did these silent agreements come from, how did they get embedded in me? All good questions. All I know is that I need to unplug from them now in order to get well and stay unplugged after I am well. Learning how to truly honour our body wisdom is a life long path and one I’ve been on for over three decades already. I’m still learning! I breathe strength into my being from Brene Brown’s quote: “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do.”