Embracing Self Compassion
Today I had my first medical appointment for an MRI. This is 6 days after our follow up meeting with the radiologist where I was told that there was cancer cells showing up in the polyp that was in the rectum, right at the end of the intestine. I took the herbal relaxante pills -2. Melissa and Valerian about 20 minutes before starting the process. Getting needles is always the worst part for me. The first needle didn’t work in my left elbow area so she tried my right wrist. While she was putting the needle in I felt myself get hot and my head start to black out. Next thing I knew I was trying to be woken up by this other man who works there. I was covered in sweat and so hot and clammy. After about 10 minutes my body rebalanced and my head felt clear. I thought ‘great way to begin this!’ After she got the needle in going to lay down was actually appealing to me! It’s not completely enclosed luckily so that was a relief. I closed my eyes for the next 40 minutes and let me mind relax and just focused on having my body deeply relax. Soon I found myself drifting off to my young days of dancing and remembering how much I used to dance and how much I loved it. So every song that came on I would find an inner dance to it. This brought a smile to my face. I thought I need to dance more! And listen to music that is happy and flowing and energizing! I thought of the time Barb Matson and I were dancing on our newly built deck in Merville while Geoff was building away, just dancing having fun and feeling pretty carefree. That feeling was a good one, one that wasn’t closed in, free with life’s possibilities. I tried to stick with this feeling as I lay there completely still.
At the same time I had to keep reminding myself that I’m not the only one who has gone through this procedure. I’m not alone, I’m safe and this will pass. The self-compassion words naturally came to me and I was so grateful. You don’t want to isolate yourself, I am not alone, so many, many people in the world have many difficult procedures/exams and illnesses they have to deal with. Thinking about it this way, makes me feel comforted and that it’s ok, it’s something to get through, meet new people and have new experiences.
The girl who worked with me today, Erika has been doing this for 10 years already and she looks pretty young to me. When I asked her if she liked it she said she thinks about going into fashion, but her mom an OB/GYN DR says she needs to stay in the medical world, but she still thinks about a split between the two. She told me today about babies that are born with brain cancer! How is this possible?? Sad state of our world that you can’t even be born healthy!