Falling into Surrender
Now & Forever, you hold the key.
I’m on my second reading of Heal Thy Self by Saki Santorelli, and I am stirred by his writing just as much as I was the first time through. I notice this time, that I digest his words from a different place inside. A year later, my experiences have changed me and with this my awareness has shifted my perspective on many things in life. This post is inspired by two of the chapters: The Devil’s Sooty Brother and Going Down.
It has been 14 months since I was diagnosed with colorectal cancer and numerous metastases that had implanted into both my lungs. I was immediately on long term medical leave after this diagnosis, but never did I think back then, that I would still be off work as I write now. With time, I am finding this journey is uncovering a natural reorganization of my life.
“Now and Forever, you hold the key. You are part of my story and will always be.
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Prolonged illness strips away at the layers we so carefully craft together over time; like many thin strands of silk that weave between the psyche and the outer world. The psychological side of illness uncovers itself as a very different energy compared with how the physical breakdowns make themselves known. As the body’s critical needs are taken care of, the balance tips from the physical to the multiple layers that make up the complex inner world.
In the realm of the soul, a different language presides, one that comes with no immediate answers making for a challenging transition. Here in this soft space, awaits an invitation to make a passage through the door of the heart. A door that has always been there, waiting to be unlocked.
I cautiously unlock this door with the key of my awareness. Before me lies an open field of space. Here is where I find myself learning how to navigate through confusion, uncertainty, and unpredictability. I’m looking for a way through, but I see no tracks. I fall to my logical thinking that knows what to do with a clearly laid out map, yet I find my heart immersed in a different kind of navigation system; one that relies on the sweet language of love and forgiveness.
What are the skills needed to wander this landscape once passed through the heart door? I keep circling back to old patterns in the mind, beliefs, attitudes, ways of being that have held up my life, yet don’t seem to be helping me right now. Human nature tends to repeat what we have developed a reassurance with through familiar routines and ways of thinking.
However, in these times of raw messiness and unfamiliarity, none of the usual ‘go to’ behaviors feel like they fit anymore. In an attempt to not fill the void with something, I step back and choose a place of stillness and non-action. I try to get out of my head swirling with thoughts and just breathe, feel my heartbeat, sink into the vortex of heart energy in the fourth chakra and feel the pure loving power that resides there. Then I send energy down from my heart center through my legs and feet deep into Mother Earth. I take up the energy of the Earth through my whole body towards the heavens and allow my whole Being to be held between the creative tension of Heaven and Earth. Then slowly, I begin, taking one step at a time.
Who says, “we always need to know where we’re going?” I think this is an assumption I’ve always lived with. I should know what I’m doing, where I’m going, what my plan is. How do you answer someone who asks you, ‘what are you going to do now,’ when you really have no idea. Do we tend to make something up or just say, ‘I don’t know’ and let that be OK? Can we practice being OK and welcome in all of the uncertainties, uncomfortable feelings, and unknowing? After all, this is part of being in the flow of life and we do not always have ‘the answers.’
What do we have? We have awareness of the moment, present energy based on the here and now; how we feel, what we are thinking, the ability to make choices by listening to the immediate sensory information we are receiving in our body, mind and heart. We are learning to listen with a different ear. To have trust in following, possibly a different voice than the one that has become the loudest over the years. To make choices that are congruent with the energy felt in the heart and that support a path lived with connection to what one finds meaningful and purposeful. Some may call this a greater purpose, a Divine Purpose.
Cancer has the ability to open this door to another voice; to offer you the key to the heartdoor. Does curiosity turn you towards this door or simply a feeling of, I’ve got nothing to lose? However this door is offered to you, the important part is accepting the invitation. Once passed through, thus begins your decent into the underground! A surprising, twisting, journey that eventually brings the Dark Night of the Soul to your footsteps.
Never having heard of this kind of ‘Dark Night’ before, I thought having one encounter with it would be enough. For some, it translates as the big lesson that the illness has brought you. Usually, this has a transformative effect on a major part of who you are; calling up for changes where there may have been misaligned energy or something that you’ve been holding back on sharing out of fear, or an aspect of yourself you have always been afraid to face.
One of my big fears was sharing my writing. I started journaling again for myself and I had started writing with the intention of eventually creating a book on Parenting. I knew when I found out I had cancer, I had to start writing and get this blog going. Suddenly, all the excuses about why I couldn’t write were stripped away. While writing feels like a natural expression, I am still plagued by a persistent voice in my head saying, “are you sure about this?” I choose to ignore it. Sometimes life just gets too big and this nagging voice needs to be overruled.
“Travelers, there is no path, paths are made by walking.”
I thought I had met my Dark Night of the Soul a few months back after some enduring times with radiation and was happy to have those experiences behind me. Thinking that life would flow a little more easily now with Remission a part of my health status, I find this is not necessarily part of Life’s Grand Plan. Remission is one of the big stepping stones, but it’s not the end. Many more stones lay ahead. If they had names they’d be called: Release, Renewal, Regenerate, Rebirth. There are more, however these are the ones showing up now.
Today, I was feeling like I needed a Totem, an energy greater than myself to help me break free of the older, deeper, recessed, gritty, and grimy chains of habit that I had buried. Now as top layers are disintegrating, these unconscious ways of being are surfacing towards the light.
I open my mailbox today and there lies one envelope. A card from a long time dear friend in Canada. She said she is sending me the ancient White Spirit Bear from the Coast. If that isn’t a Totem sign! Delivered right into my mailbox. Watch for signs, they arrive sometimes right at your doorstep! I am grateful for the synchronicity of life!
The Spirit Bear Totem reflects on the qualities of inner strength, confidence, and fearlessness. “When the bear shows up as a spirit guide in your life, it’s perhaps time to stand for your beliefs or your truth. This power animal will provide for support and strength.”
With Cancer or I imagine with any serious illness, the invitation to open your Heartdoor or Cross The Threshold arrives and you have a choice; to remain as you have always lived or to turn towards the unknown and step into something new and uncertain.
I opened the door and found this hidden world is not all black and bleak as it appears from above. Venturing in with an open, non judgmental awareness, the dark areas are responsive when met with a sense of curiosity, kindness, and love. With a willingness to allow the body to feel into the 'broken places', there is a softening and vulnerability that begins to open up. And as the warmth of the Spring sun melts the ice in a river, love begins to flow into the areas where deep healing is needed.
Take one step at a time with Courage and Confidence and allow yourself to go exploring! See what surprises you!