Bridging the Divide - part 1
My Oncologist and I had been having discussions about using the Cyberknife treatment if anything should show up in my lungs after the chemo and radiation were finished in June. I had a feeling he was preparing me for what could be a very likely event, although I kept pushing this possibility out of my mind.
The Cyberknife machine
When August control CT scans were done and I was feeling so much better, I was pretty surprised to hear that two ‘lesions’ had appeared, one in my left and one in my right lung. My Oncologist was pretty sure they were ‘old’ cells now showing up and were too small to be detected when I had had the surgeries. With no treatments for a few months, it gave them time to surface. This news also gives me another opportunity to practice taking in new information with an open mind. To not get depressed and label this information as ‘bad news.’ I tell myself, “be disciplined in noticing my thoughts and feelings as physical changes appear and allow myself to respond with all of my inner resources and outer capabilities. Do not shut down in fear.”
It’s November and the time has arrived to employ the Cyberknife treatment we had been talking about. It always sounded like the ultimate intervention as I was told there was no cutting, no side effects, and completely pain free. What kind of cancer treatment is this, a magic pill?
There was some preparation prior to the actual radiation that involved a surgeon specializing in Microtherapy. I needed markers to be placed around the cells to be radiated on; three markers triangulated around the cells for each lung. My markers are made out of gold, so now I truly sparkle like gold! It’s a short procedure, but still required me to spend a night in the hospital.
I’ve found that just because I’ve gone through one or two surgeries, doesn’t make the next one any easier. Mentally, there is still the challenge of staying in the moment, breathing, of being curious to what this experience will be, and listening to the body and giving it what it needs: kindness, love, reassurance all will be well. In this particular case, I knew ahead of time I wanted a small dose of ‘happy medicine’ to ease the stress around the procedure. There was the option of having nothing as it wasn’t a painful procedure, however it wasn’t about pain for me, it was about getting some support for my mental well being. I have dropped the idea that I have to be ‘brave’ and go with nothing wherever possible. If I feel I need something, I am asking for it.
The Cyberknife treatment is a leader in high tech, robotic technologies for targeting very specific tumor cells in the body. To think that a laser beam is going to go into a 2mm or 5mm spot in my lung and zap it long enough so that the cells cannot survive the assault is incredible and that I can be fortunate to receive this treatment, I find a blessing. A treatment, where I am not cut open, do not need a needle for contrast dye or infusion, where the only side effect is feeling very tired, I am happy to have this ‘laser infusion.’
Juxtaposed against technology is the centuries old tradition of meditation that offers its own source of healing. The treatment room has a very comfortable table/bed that I lay down on complete with a soft pillow for my head, another one under my knees, and a light blanket covering me. A strap comes across my chest to help hold my arms beside me, reducing any movement.
Preparing for the 1 hour treatment
It is important to remain as still as possible and to breathe rhythmically for the entire hour. I find it funny that as soon as the strap is secured, I want to itch a spot on my face. I feel that itch and just let it be. Part of meditating is not attending to every physical sensation, just noticing it, breathing, allowing the body to have sensations and being aware of the ever changing states the body goes through.
Every procedure and treatment I have gone through has behind it a silver lining, a reason for this particular experience. There is no judgment, this is good or bad for me, they just are part of my next steps. Each procedure presents an opportunity for me to experience something new . I never know what it will be until I go into it. My thoughts focus on, “I am being guided to experience something here, be open to whatever happens for me.” I notice the thoughts, sensations, and insights that come into my awareness and acknowledge them.
Although my lungs were not the primary source of the cancer, they have really taken the front stage of importance and attention. More so, than my colorectal area where the tumor began, the lungs have received the majority of attention during my treatment and healing program. I have spent a lot of time focusing on my lungs, solar plexus, and ribs. In terms of Traditional Chinese Medicine every organ in the body corresponds with an emotion. As I’ve discovered, the lungs and colon are the yin/yang partners in the body and both represent the emotions of grief and sadness.
The 5mm spot on my right lung where the laser targeted. A different kind of medicine.
When this was brought to my awareness, I wasn’t surprised because I always had very strong feelings of sadness when I focused on my lungs. The body tries to communicate and it’s our choice if we choose to listen or not. There is much to learn from the body wisdom when we open up to it. As in Chinese Medicine, they say there is an imbalance in the body when things are not working smoothly. In Western Medicine, they call it an illness or disease. Dis-ease also develops from prolonged energy blockage and flow of information in the body. However, we want to phrase it, the bottom line is, the body speaks up so we can have the opportunity to make corrections and move back into a healthy energetic flow state.
Listening to the emotional side of dis-ease or the imbalance also provides opportunities for other avenues of healing such as: various body based therapies, energy psychology and/or counseling/psychotherapy. Although, I am not filled with clarity around the sadness, I have some insight into where to focus my awareness during the treatments and leading up to them.
Prior to my first Cyberknife treatment, a technician shows me the room and tells me what to expect. I ask about music and find out I can bring in my own if I like. I think about one thing: meditation time!
I am in the perfect set up for an hour long Savasana-Corpse Pose. It seems natural to me to use this time while I am being lasered, for a deep meditation. This is not something I would’ve arrived at without having previous experience with body movement practices with Body Scans or Yoga Nidra meditations, Savasana from Yoga, or my ongoing Mindfulness Meditation Practice. It’s another opportunity to reap the benefits of daily practice. What we practice daily grows stronger and then when we find ourselves in a situation that is potentially stressful, it becomes natural to draw from the powers of our practice.
I can’t say enough about developing a daily contemplative practice. The repetitive action of whatever you choose to do will help you cultivate a greater awareness of your inner world, guide you to make choices connected to your heart and mind, and to develop a greater sensitivity in listening to your intuitive voice.
Bren and I enjoying the special atmosphere of the Kloster and the Christmas Market
Formal sitting practice is not the only thing I’m talking about here. It could be that you prefer body based movement practices such as Qigong, Tai Chi, Yoga, Authentic Movement, or somatic Energy Exercises. You may take a meditation practice or mindfulness practice off your cushion and into your daily life as Thich Nhat Hahn says, when you are washing the dishes, wash the dishes, be with the sensation of warm water and soap on your hands, when you go to drink your tea, be with the taste of the tea and not thinking about the next thing you are going to do. In essence, really be in this moment, not jumping ahead. See how the quality of your life begins to change. You may be surprised.
Today is a special day, it is one year today 4 December that I had my second lung operation on the right side. Today, I will go to a beautiful Weihnachten (Christmas) Markt in Einsiedlen with my son, Brendan. I’m in quite a different place today than I was one year ago. Life is about change. Embrace it!
Part 2 Cyberknife coming out after the second right lung is completed this Friday 6 December and the scan results are done in mid January.