My Intuitive Path to Healing: part 1

the road ahead...

Last summer Geoff and I were able to do our Ireland trip and then spend some mountain time back in Switzerland.  My idea was to rest and rejuvenate my body and spirit from a tiring second semester of work.  Without realizing my exhaustion was a symptom of a much deeper health issue, we managed to do some wonderful biking and hiking. 

A re-visit to Zermatt and a hike down from Gornergrat graced us with a stunning view of the Matterhorn.  At the time, I had no idea this would become my mountain to climb. 

Looking back since I began treatments in September 2016, I feel like I have climbed 90% of the mountain. I’m close to having an amazing view from the peak, but I’m not there yet.  I do not have a 360 degree panorama and that is what I’m looking forward to.  A great, wide perspective.  However, it’s not helpful to let my desire for a view create impatience from the treatments that still lie ahead. This 10% is just as important as the 90% has been and calls forth a deeper level of mental endurance.  

I remember having an enthusiasm to get the chemo treatments started and to finally begin helping my body to get well. I started chemo as soon as my port-a-cath was put in. After I awoke from the anesthetic and recovered for a few hours, I walked down to the Onkoklinik and started my first infusion.

In these early days, my Oncologist told me my treatment plan and dealing with cancer will take time.  It is like a marathon or climbing a mountain.  Slow and steady.  Keep a sustainable pace and maintain the health that the body does have.  A quote that my son sent me early on, that rings more true for me today even more so than it did in the beginning is:

“Physical strength will get you to the start line. But Mental strength will get you to the finish line.”

Eight months in, I have been having the urge to sprint and just be done, completed, cross that finish line!

These posts usually simmer with me for a week or so and since I wrote about feeling like I had 10% to go, my ‘world view’ has been shattered after a couple of meetings with my doctor’s.  I am realizing cancer is not something that is simply finished by summiting a mountain peak.  The goal may be to reach one peak and be blessed with a greater perspective on life and gain insight into the next steps ahead. 

I realized that I had unconsciously created false hopes about when this would all end. As the months go by, there is a part of me that just wants it to be over with.  It is in these moments that I catch myself wanting to turn away from the frustration or the building irritation inside.  I feel myself in a state of disconnection: thoughts flying one way, body shut down.  How to transition back to a place of mindbody flow?

I come back to a still place in my body, I stretch and breath, I meditate, write, talk with others, reflect on all that has happened and where I am at now.  I give thanks to my body for working so hard to be where I am at now.  Eventually, I arrive in the moment of NOW.  I feel the mindbody connection and my heart opens to being alive and grateful for all that I have.

It is about the journey and being present with each step of the way.  Fully present, not thinking or wishing ahead for something different, but to be fully immersed in this moment of whatever the treatment may be and where I am on my life path regardless of what my health status is. 

I am arriving at a lookout point up on the mountain and taking in the vista from here.  Appreciating the distance I have travelled and ready to put my energy into the next steps that will carry me forward.   

It is now the end of April 2017 and almost at the end of a school work year.  On April 21st, I went into the hospital for a ‘liver abletion’ procedure. No cutting involved, just a needle into the area in my liver where a small lesion was originally spotted.  Although, the lesion was no longer visible, the metal marker I had inserted in November was still there marking the spot.  I was told this was a low risk procedure and worth it to heat up and blast out any possible cancer cells that may be still lingering in this area. 

 What’s difficult about getting the tests done are the results may show an area as being ‘clear’ of cancer compared to the first test, however I’m told by the specialists that one can never be sure of microscopic, teeny, tiny cancer cells still resting in the area.  So to not take any chances, I had this area heat treated to kill any possible remaining cancer cells.  Compared to my lung surgeries, this was pretty easy to endure and I was back home in the evening.

 This liver procedure checks off one of the ‘minor’ treatments that I still needed.  I’m grateful now that it’s the weekend and I’ve climbed a little bit higher up the Matterhorn. 

Part 2 > see all of the ways I’m supporting my health to deal with the cancer cells & to strengthen my whole bodymind & spirit.