After completing 6 weeks of Radio-Chemo treatments, I had 5 days to rest at home before boarding a plane to Canada to see family and friends. My body was still reeling from the intense side effects of the treatment and in fact they seemed to be increasing. The pads on my fingertips were continuing to crack and become more sensitive to touch and temperature, as were my feet.

Merge with your environment. Become larger than the Self. Let your Spirit soar.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to navigate transport to the airport and actually get on the plane by myself? It wasn’t until a friend said she was going to drive me to the airport and that I should call ahead for wheelchair assistance that I relaxed into a state of ‘maybe this is possible?’ I find it amazing that even in my desperate physical state, I still didn’t think of how I could ask for help! Is it as women, as mothers, we are conditioned to just get the job done regardless of how we feel?

I had to be told that I would receive help and there was no questioning it. Once I just opened up to receiving, I was able to relax about the travel that lay ahead. Being able to go through the Zürich Flughafen in a wheelchair was really quite fun especially when escorted by a kind man originally from Tibet.

The summer theme naturally took on an ebb and flow of the tides. From the West Coast of Canada to Norway’s North of the Arctic Circle Coast, the weather angels were making sure there was plenty of sunshine and warm temperatures for me. Receiving so much sunshine and blue skies everyday was truly like a healing from the Heavens. Slowly but surely my body was able to begin recovering. I felt like a snake shedding its skin waiting for it to be replaced with baby soft fingerpads and new soles for my feet.

As the skin and sensitivity on my feet toughened up, I was able to walk for longer periods and take myself along the sandy beaches of Jericho in Vancouver to the rocky coastline of the Gulf Islands and eventually out to the vast expanse of white sand beaches around Tofino on Vancouver Island’s West Coast.

I haven’t spent so much time by the ocean in a long while and I realized how much I missed being at the water’s edge, walking the empty beaches, staring out to sea, and breathing in the ocean air. Being able to step away from the continuous pulse of doctor’s appointments and treatments only to replace it with an open agenda, a lost sense of time, and the company of dear soul friends over a period of weeks really allows for the body to find a new rhythm and the mind to let go.

To just be. Feel healthy. Forget about tests and results. Enjoy the moment for what it is. So empowering and healing.

This was my summer break and it was so worth it to slow life down on the treatment front. Friends thought our trip looked busy because we did so much, but in truth, each day was lived according to how much energy I had and with no need to rush or do anything specific. I found it easy to sink into the moments and be re-energized by not rushing around. New ways of being bring about new levels of energy.

It wasn’t until the week before my scheduled follow up exams were to happen that my mind began to turn towards doctors, clinic visits, tests, chemo, the status of my body. I noticed thoughts creeping in with concern, nervousness, facing another cycle of chemo infusions. ...It’s hard to avoid these kinds of thoughts.

I would acknowledge them, breathe into my feelings, and let them pass by. Not giving them too much attention. I wanted to keep enjoying the present moment; the stunning scenery of the Lofoten Islands, the sunshine, the hiking, and the lovely café’s.

Following 8 weeks after the radio-chemo therapy, I was scheduled to have control exams for lungs, liver, and my rectal area where the primary tumor had started. While these results would provide hopefully greater peace of mind, I noticed my body was becoming increasingly agitated about the exams. This year, I have had plenty of practice at tuning into my body, listening to its’ voice and also simultaneously listening to the thinking mind and its’ voice. The two are often not ‘in sync.’ This is when I run into intra-mind-body static.

The body is not rational. It does not get caught up in what it’s supposed to do and how it should act, it simply feels and responds at a cellular level. Can we be brave enough to listen to it and take a stand of respond-ability? My new word for responsibility! Be willing to respond in a way that honours the body voice and choose actions that allow for non-verbal expressiveness. The ability to do this, is yours to choose.

I have a choice when I notice the intra-mind-body static: to either bury the body voice because the mind says, ‘it’s no big deal, just a follow up check’ or allow it to speak. Bodywords may express themselves in the form of muscle tightness or weakness, butterfly feeling in the stomach, shaky muscles, dancemovement, sound, and/or tears. All of which are valid and real ways that the body speaks. This time, I allow tears to flow until the stream subsides and the water is calm. I can breathe freely again and find myself in a better mental and emotional state to meet the exams with a sense of ease and greater peace.

If you know the art of breathing you have the strength, courage, and wisdom of ten tigers. ~ Chinese Adage

North of the Arctic Circle, Land of the Midnight Sun, Norway

Just as the ocean tide ebbs and flows so does the water that my body is made up of. Connect to the rhythm of the moon and flow like the tide.

On 14 August, the mail started arriving again for me. Usually, it has to do with medical statements and bills so I wasn’t in any rush to open it up. Later in the evening, I was feeling strong and positive, so I peeled back the sticky closure and to my surprise saw that it was the results from my rectalendosonography exam. The big ‘control’ exam after the 8 weeks of radio-chemo treatments. These results show how well the treatments worked to eliminate all cancer cells in the primary tumor area. As it’s all in German, I could really only grasp the tone of the results by looking at the pictures and the final page.

The pictures matched exactly my visualizations in this part of my body: reddish pink, shiny, smooth, healthy looking.

“if the ocean can calm itself, so can you. we are both salt water mixed with air.”

The final page: Klinische Angaben (Clinical Information) Status nach RCT (Status after exam). Rektumkarzinom. Remission. (Rectal cancer. Remission) One word we ALL understand whether we know German or not is, REMISSION!!

My eyeballs popped out with the shock of finally seeing these words! I wasn’t expecting it, even though I initially knew the tissue looked very healthy after the exam. Seeing the words on paper somehow gives it a new, stronger, more real meaning.

What a whole bodymind sense of relief! Of sinking into moments of gratitude, feeling like heaven had just granted me another period of grace. I was completely happy!!

The following morning I had my first appointment with my Oncologist and he would go over the results of my CT scan for lungs and liver. Then I would begin the first cycle of 4 infusions for the final round of chemo.

Healing Waters

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