Within 24 hours of receiving a report on the status of the tumor stating: Remission, I was in for the first appointment with my Oncologist to begin 4 more chemo infusions; the final round of my treatment protocols. We went over the excellent news of the tumor and all cancer cells being completely gone and replaced with healthy tissue and cells. I could now begin to use ‘past tense’ when referring to this tumor. Oddly, enough it took some conscious thought to use past tense. I hadn’t realized I was on autopilot when talking about the tumor always in the present tense. Mindshifts around how I use language when speaking about my body and the cancer is important to recognize as it’s easy to stay locked in a certain frame of reference and maybe not so healthy.

I found out that the choice to do radio-chemo treatment in place of the invasive operation that would have removed a large part of my bowel area and left me learning to navigate a new way of living, is only cautiously offered as an option because there is not enough evidence yet to prove its safety and effectiveness.

There are 900 cases at the moment my Oncologist is following to see what the success rate is with doing the radio-chemo treatment. He tells me afterwards, the chances of eliminating the cancer this way are around 35-50%.

When you start out into a course of treatment like this one, no one really knows what the outcome will be. You go in with a positive force that leaves no room for anything other than to be successful in clearing out all the cancer cells and allowing a way for deep transformation of the cells.

You have had a ‘Life Intensifer’ experience my Oncologist tells me and from this, you will never be the same person again.

If you read my post: Radiant Radiotherapie, you’ll know that this was one of the hardest treatments I had to endure. What got me through the uncomfortable, painful times was the thought that, ‘ if I can stick with this and make each treatment and day really work towards eliminating the tumor and cancer, I will have many, many days ahead in my life that will make this time worth it.’

Maybe I am statistic #901 now that the doctors can use as a positive case for trusting and offering other alternative treatments for rectal cancer. Of course, it is more complicated than just looking at a course of treatment and thinking if something worked for this person, it will also work for another person. As I am learning, each case is highly unique because people present the illness differently, they respond to it in their own way, and they choose their lifestyle while being treated. All of these factors are like a kaleidoscope of colour that form their own pattern of healing.

I was reflecting on my treatment journey before starting chemo again and it dawned on me that had it not been for cancer cells migrating to both my lungs and having to focus so intensely here first, my treatment plan would have gone completely differently. It was imperative to address the many cancer growths in both lungs first before even thinking about the primary tumor and dealing with it. This bought me 7 months of time. Time that I now realize was precious for readjusting my life and redefining my relationship to my body. I was able to intensify my healing by diving into alternative body therapies such as: cranio sacral, energy medicine, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique or otherwise known as Tapping), deep healing meditations focused around cellular healing, contemplative movement, and souljourneling/drawing. All of these therapies and healing exercises are focused on unlocking the deep unconscious aspects of the Self and releasing your Soulspirit voice. Cultivating this relationship with Self takes time and the guidance of skilled healers.

When the time came to focus on the primary tumor leading up to the operation, I was able to harness a tidal wave of energy that I had been building over these previous months to now direct towards this next step. Through intense healing sessions, I believe I was able to have a direct impact in shifting my cellular metabolism and live the phrase, “your belief is your biology.”

#1 of 4 chemo infusions.  Taking it on the terrasse with my'chemo companion' and a cafe. — #1 of 4 chemo infusions. Taking it on the terrasse with my'chemo companion' and a cafe.

My Oncologist agreed with me that had I not had the lungs to deal with first, my treatment route would have been standard procedure and I probably would have had the operation. This was a big revelation for me to see where I had come from and how perspectives can shift vastly when looked at from a different vantage point. Now I was suddenly feeling so grateful for my lungs and that they took me on this detour, even though the detour was quite a bumpy and long one. It makes me wonder, there really must be a bigger plan in place for us small humans and we never know exactly what it is until we can get a little hindsight. So with this gratitude for my lungs, I go into my next follow up meeting to review the recent CT scan on my lungs.

After enjoying the fabulous news of my remission, my doctor turned towards the CT results. He showed me that one 4 mm lesion had showed up in my left lung. Up until now every CT scan I had done on my lungs after both operations had showed nothing. I was surprised and a little disappointed to see this, although my doctor said that it is quite common for ‘leftover’ nodes to show up that were previously too small to find. This logic was somewhat comforting, but it wasn’t really what I wanted to hear and certainly not what my body wanted to know. I am hoping this new presence is from before and not ‘new cancer cells.’ It is there and something we can’t ignore. As I am about to receive more chemo infusions, we’ll watch this little one and see what happens. There are options to deal with it that are non-invasive and painless so I hold this as a small consolation for new appearances.

We also did a routine blood test for tumor markers, Ferritin (iron), and inflammation before starting my first infusion. I am always keen to track my Ferritin levels because that was the breaking signal for me when I just couldn’t think anymore. My levels were so low that now I am always aware of keeping them within a healthy range. The next day I received the results in the mail and I was shocked to see that my tumor marker had risen quite a bit when it had not moved at all since my lung operations. Plus my Ferritin level had dropped substantially.

All of this within a few days of my remission status was knocking me off kilter. I thought to myself, ‘can’t I just enjoy being in remission feeling healthy and carefree for a little while?’ Apparently, there is no rest for the weary! Life has a way of keeping us on our toes! I admit, trying to take both of these new pieces of information in alongside my big ‘win’ was tough. Again, how to practice holding all of it in my heart of hearts, with positive energy and love….this is the moment of being tested. No one says you have to replace one with the other.

The action is to dissolve boundaries of good/bad, negative/positive, healthy/unhealthy, and open up to a wide acceptance of non-judgment and center in the,

‘this is life right now in this moment, just be.’

Breathe, breathe, and breathe some more.

I make a conscious effort to take a moment to dance with the joy I feel in my body, to love my body as it is and to embrace all that continues to be brought forward into my awareness. Receiving news that isn’t what I wanted to hear and that I immediately place a negative judgment on, is challenging to be with. I don’t want to squash all of my excitement and relief in having transformed the pelvic area of my body, yet I need to remain open to the rest of what’s going on inside me and kindly and lovingly attend to this as well.

I had a big discussion with my Oncologist at our next meeting to talk about both of these new results. I always appreciate and value his perspective because he lives and breathes this slippery balance of life with his patients everyday. He sees it all: fear, joy, continued life and even the mortality we all face being human: death. He reminds me that I, nor anyone are ever secure in our health. We think we are, but we’re not. Everything can change in an instant. What matters is how we meet this moment, what we do when we receive news that appears not favorable.

Colouring ~ relaxes the brain, eases the mind, and simply brings joy into the moment

In an instant flash, the shadow of death is hanging out in the corner again. Just when I thought I had gotten rid of you, there you appear as a gentle reminder that you are always walking by my side.

Helping me make choices, new choices based on new values and priorities that support me to choose life, health, love, and inner freedom.

"You have had a ‘Life Intensifer’ experience my Oncologist tells me, and from this, you will never be the same person again."

When he said this, I felt like the Jedi’s sword of light ripped through all the old, clingy thinking patterns I was still hanging onto blasting out room for fresh perspectives and new ways of being.

I felt how absolutely right he was! I don’t want to be the same person I was.