Opening to Self (Care) Compassion

Practice Mindful Meditation everyday in every environment

31st of August, 2017, marks the passing of one year since we were sitting in the doctor’s office being shown the pictures from my colonoscopy and told that the black mass of cells I could see was cancer.

Since that day, life has dramatically turned me upside down and opened me up to a flood of brand new experiences.

This is the first time since having children that I've had to step off the treadmill of my daily working routines. Taking this step aside has allowed for many significant lessons to be learned about life.

For this post, I’d like to share one that continues to be transformative for me.

Here’s what I wrote this morning in my journal: On a cool, grey Saturday morning in the beginning of September my thoughts float to my blog post on ‘what have I learned this year?’ I have a strong feeling that comes over me with words of:

‘being open to receive love, care, and guidance from others.’

Be open to receive from these previously unknown Earth angels who have so generously graced me with their knowledge, wisdom, and skills of healing; coming from different directions and approaches, yet all intersecting on me with one focus: to be with me on this journey and help bring me back to whole health.

My job was and still is, to remain open in my heart, to turn towards the parts that appear to be broken, bleeding, crying out for help, to each day take another courageous step forward releasing any fear that arises and face the difficult thoughts and emotions that appear.

This position of being on the “receiving” side of care was not an easy one for me. Yet, it has been my biggest opportunity for learning this year.

My whole life has been one of taking on the role of giving and caring for others in need, whether it be as an older sister, a best friend to someone, raising a family, working in the helping profession as a career/employment counselor and more recently as a school counselor. The focus has always been set on finding the ways I can help and be of service to others.

Even now, decades later, I find I am still passionately in love with this focus.

Holding brings us closer in our hearts and nurtures a lasting connection

After being forced to take, as my daughter says, ‘a non-optional’ journey, I had to shift my focus 180 degrees to save my own life. I’m still amazed at how we can become so blind to our own deep needs until eventually something in our world snaps and says, “STOP, WAKE UP, or you’re going to die!”

Working in education is like a constant upgrading of ourselves to be better teachers, better counselors, better educators. Professional development (PD) is highly valued and supported where I work. I have always valued this aspect of my work; to keep growing and learning so that I can be more effective with the people I serve. However, never would I have thought that having cancer would have taken me down a path that has and continues to be the most powerful PD I would ever experience. To my surprise, the personal learning and growth has provided a powerful boost to my professional development even in the absence of working as a counselor.

I felt like I was thrown into a river and told to swim. I had to let go of any self judgment I had around thinking I didn’t need to be taken care of, I could manage on my own, I always have. Clearly, I could not do this alone, I had no idea where to begin and I was at the mercy of doctors, medicine, and people with a lot more experience than I had. I just had to give in to the current and begin to go with this unknown flow. I couldn’t swim alone so I had to reach out and grab the hands that would help keep me above water.

This year, I have had a lot of practice at reaching out and allowing myself to receive. Every week I have had a series of ongoing appointments with my Specialists.

Over time, I learned to allow my self to trust in them and as this trust grew, I found that I began to trust my self more.

Listening to my own inner voice began to get easier as the chatter in my mind lessened. I listened to how my body was responding to treatments and operations and what it needed for ultimate healing. The more I became quiet inside and focused on cultivating self-compassion and care for self, the more a feeling of deep love and appreciation for my body began to grow. I began to recognize that truly caring for my Self, although not straight forward at times, was the way through to healing, on so many levels.

Hugs from dear friends always warms my heart!

“If your self-care system is any good at all, it will not protect you from your growing pains. It will not cover up your longings for love.
It will not silence the aching that you have
for your destiny.
Because if you really want to heal,
you have to be willing to feel.”

- CALM [INSTAGRAM]

Getting energized in a healing bed with meditation and chakra balancing at Soul7 in Toronto

As my self-compassion grew, I felt more love and kindness within me. This love became a source of healing and the more I tuned into this expansive energy, I found I was able to receive more easily from those around me. Every hug, conversation, or connection I exchanged with nurses, friends, those who cared for me then became an exchange of healing, loving energy.

When we give from our hearts with the intention to connect with another whether verbally or non-verbally, the receiver, if open to this intention is graced with the support and positive energy flowing from the giver. A flow of energy begins to happen and if you are open in your heart a natural connection will begin to grow; appreciation, gratitude, respect, and love all are nourished from this place.

It’s often in the little things that can make the biggest impact; a handshake, a hug, a connection through the eyes, taking time to really listen to how one is doing, focusing just on the person in front of you, not just trying to fix the problem, but being with the situation in all its complexities, and always making time.

When the heart is open, people are touched by the energy of love.

Looking back on my year of Opening to Self Care & Compassion, I can now see the shadows of how I deeply forgot it felt to be here; in a place of vulnerability, hurt, needing others for help, risking my identity by exposing my weaknesses.

This place that is raw and bleeding in the midst of learning how to care for ones self. Learning how to make choices and take the steps necessary to nurture self-compassion and inner healing.

“If your self-care system is built to last, it will reveal your truths without apology. Making the hurt of a situation more acute so you can learn from it immediately. Making the lessons that much sharper so you can witness them from a mile off. Making the truth land that much deeper so that it can be integrated into you.”

- Calm [instagram]

The ‘givers’ role appears to be the more powerful and secure place to be, however the givers who have had the deepest impact on my healing are the ones who are willing to sit with me in my darkest moments and not try to change or fix me. Their willingness to be present and feel the fear, feel their own vulnerability along with mine and the often unknown path is what makes for a transformational connection.

*"You have been assigned this mountain to show it can be moved."*

In these moments there is a Great Love Present. And this is where I believe, love has the power to heal.

Making a conscious choice to meet unknown and new experiences with an open attitude, a curious beginner’s mind has shown me that my growth is not only deeply personal, but also professionally transforming.

I have now woven into my heart, a home for receiving, and will carry with me the sacred knowledge of how powerful communication and simple acts of kindness are.

How will this change the way I ‘help and be with others’ shall be a refreshing and re-awakening exploration for me, as I transition from intensely focused personal healing into a fluid state of living that embodies and reflects a full range of healthy expression through body, mind, and spirit.