Check Up Exams Week 1
Everyday I walk by my bike sitting quietly in our storage area just waiting for the day that says, ‘time to get on me and go for a ride!.’ I haven’t been on my bike since both lung operations and with the onset of Spring and the warm weather, I was curious to see how I would feel, especially riding uphill.
Today, the warm sunshine on my body is such an invitation to get outdoors and see how I’d feel on my bike. Geoff and I rode through the forest out behind our place and headed up to Horgenberg. This is not a long ride, but it does involve some uphill on the trails. The inspiration or breathing into my lungs is what I’ve been working on expanding over these winter months and riding is a perfect exercise for focusing on the inspiration and the expiration.
When I saw the hill ahead, instead of worrying if I could ride it or not, I put my focus into my breathing. Imagining air slowly and steadily filling my lungs, softening and supporting the area around my lungs and then allowing for a long exhale out. Repeat this while saying in time with my breathing, ‘inspiration – expiration.’ To my amazement, I easily went up the hills at a slow and steady pace.
This ride literally was a breath of fresh air in a day filled with many emotions.
Being able to enjoy using my body to exercise, whether it is outdoors on my bike, going for a walk, getting on my skis, or in the gym, they all support an experience of connecting to my body in a deeper way and an opportunity to rebuild my physical health and connect with nature. This is important for me to do as I strengthen myself for my final operation.
First ride of 2017 up to our little red bench!
My exam weeks don’t consist of cracking open the books, but rather a visit back to some now familiar machines. March 10th marked the beginning of my pre-operation exams so my surgeon can see exactly where my body is at and what he’s dealing with on operation day. It started with an MRI on my pelvic area. I felt like I was going back in time to the beginning of when this journey all began only this time I felt more experienced and with that came a sense of calm and confidence.
Getting a needle was always my biggest fear and this time when the technician asked me how my veins were, I said, ‘my veins are awesome!’ I think I was more relaxed getting a needle than the person giving it to me was! This MRI takes about 40 minutes of being absolutely still, listening to very strange and loud sounds that come and go at seemingly random times. The technician asked me if I wanted any music so I choose jazz, however the jazz I heard floated in the background only every once in a while. The loud sounds from the machine were the most prominent and I found myself turning these sounds into a type of sound meditation. Instead of dreading the next intrusive noise to enter through the headphones, I decided to receive the sounds as it came to my ears.
I opened up to the sounds as they appeared. Time changed when I did this. I was just there open, curious, hearing what was presented to me. Then a voice came through the headphones, asking if I’m alright and tells me 2-3 more minutes. Before I know it, she’s telling me I’m done. She removed the needle, I went to get dressed, and went on about my day. I noticed that where the needle was in my arm, there was absolutely no mark or trace of a needle and my arm was not sore or bruised. This was a first for me as usually my arm bruises easily.
I didn’t think anymore about the MRI until the following Tuesday when I went in for my final chemo treatment. March 14th marks my last infusion of my full dose of chemo. It is my 3rd cycle of 4 week treatments.
Just as I finished the treatment my Oncologist came to tell me that the results of the MRI showed the tumor had shrunk quite a bit. I was so happy to hear this, I was hugging him and my nurse who has been administering my treatments since day 1 at the clinic. The results of how much the tumor shrinks will determine a lot about the kind of surgery that I’ll need so this is fantastic news.
Ever since the meeting with my surgeon on March 2nd I have been opening up to new levels of healing possibilities. This meeting was like a reality check for me about where I was at and what my options were going to be depending on how my body was doing. I really wanted this tumor to shrink and I thought about how it could maybe just leave, not be there anymore. I’ve been reading so many stories about tumors that have just vanished, the cancer left, and their body was healthy again. Why not mine? Couldn’t I do this? I thought if it’s meant to be for me, it will. So give it your absolute best chance, believe in the power of healing through everything that I’m doing, call in all my support groups and go for it.
Hearing the news from my first exam result was exciting and affirming. This gave me more energy to really go for it and do everything I could prior to my endosonography exam on Wednesday, March 15th. I was told this exam will give us more exact results about what’s going on with the tumor as there is a tiny camera that can see exactly what is going on in the rectum which the MRI can’t do. I’m given a light anesthetic so I fall asleep during the 30 minute procedure. Afterwards I’m in with the doctor for the results and he tells me that he can’t see the tumor. I’m stunned. I’m looking at the pictures in my drowsy, chemo foggy state looking at pinkish red tissue. No tumor to be found anywhere! He said there was some inflammation and he took a biopsy of this tissue. I’m waiting to hear what comes back.
This procedure left me with a lot of stomach cramps and so it was not possible to be jumping for joy, however a river of relief, contentment, and peace was washing through me. I am quietly continuing with the exploration of what lies within and letting it take me to the places that show up for more healing and resolving. Cancer has invited me to reconnect with every part of my body: cells, tissues, organs, muscles, and the energetic bodies. It is a deep and evolving lesson in integration of body, mind, and spirit.
The power of believing that your body knows how to heal itself, the willingness to listen to what it is trying to tell you and the courage to make changes brings about endless possibilities. I am left in awe and wonder of what is possible! Every day is a new day, one to be lived to the fullest that I am capable of.