Groundlessness
I search to feel the ground beneath me. This is something I have done throughout my life, especially in times of perceived adversity. If I could only feel anchored to something that is solid. I am starting to wonder how much of my energy is spent trying to create this elusive and imaginary place? What am I trying to achieve by drawing lines that will only construct more imaginary walls ultimately closing me in when what I really want is a place of openness, free flowing energy.
After my final Cyberknife sessions were completed, I had a scheduled PET scan that was a routine control check from one done three months earlier. I was warned this would be too soon to see any of the treatment effects and to maybe hold off until mid January. But, I have a revolving calendar of exam checks; one for my liver, one for my lungs, one for my pelvic/rectal area, and one for my whole body!
I agreed to the PET scan this past week because it was a follow up from three months ago and as we are in a ‘critical’ period, it’s important to keep a close eye on what my body is doing. What I didn’t anticipate would be the spin these results would give me.
There is always a bit of nervous anticipation prior to seeing the doctor after a CT, MRI, or PET scan. In Switzerland, I am able to see a doctor who reads the imaging right away and discusses it with me. I then have a follow up appointment with my Oncologist within a day or two of the scan as well to go over the results in more detail.
I could tell that the images were tricky to read this time. The doctor was sure when he said, ‘there is nothing showing up in the rest of your body,’ however, your lungs are more difficult to discern because of the recent markers put in. As expected, the remaining ‘lasered lesions’ were still showing up.
“When we resist change, it’s called suffering. But when we can completely let go and not struggle against it, when we can embrace the groundlessness of our situation and relax into its dynamic quality, that’s called enlightenment, or awakening to our true nature, to our fundamental goodness. Another word for that is freedom — freedom from struggling against the fundamental ambiguity of being human. Pema Chödron”
What I wasn’t anticipating was his hesitation around suggesting there may be some other spots surfacing. I could feel the uncertainty and didn’t want to proceed with him sensing it would be better to talk to my Oncologist who would have more time to look at the images.
Before meeting with my Oncologist, I found myself being taken over by a swirling vortex of different feelings. The body responds swiftly and speaks directly. It isn’t concerned with where you are, whether on a park bench, sitting on the train, or strolling the Christmas market stalls. The body says, ‘hello! I’m here and I feel uncertain, vulnerable, and at the mercy of….the unfolding flow of life.’
The mind has to let go of any holding on it was quietly doing in the background and now turn towards the sensations coming from the body. Opening up in this moment, while the walls are crumbling once again, to the flow of information coming from all parts of who I am. This is the moment of mindfulness, of dropping into the breath, the ‘being with’ whatever is presenting, regardless of the difficulty, taking away the judgments, and with a soft welcome, opening up to the groundlessness that comes with flow.
When I commit to stepping into this greater flow of life that is always there, dancing, swirling, a moving ocean of energy and information, I have to drop the idea that there will be a place to plant my feet. Just as I ride a wave in the ocean whether it be swimming, surfing, or paddle boarding, there is a giving into the power in the momentum of the collective force of the water.
Life does not always deliver what I want. And when this happens, I need to get on the wave and start surfing. Be fluid, dance with the energy of the water, allow it to take me into places I do not know, find unexpected surprises. Find new ways to work with uncertainty. Be still in the center of the movement. For here, there is a place that is calm, peaceful, filled with love. It is a place to just simply BE. For in this moment, there is nothing else.
Today, I received news I didn’t want. Four more spots or lesions showed up in my lungs on the PET scan. We assume they are malignant and need to be dealt with. Considering choices again and next steps. No one says being with this stuff as it arises is easy. Welcoming news with open awareness, non-judgment, and even the possibility that there is more to learn here, is always going to be challenging. As my daughter says, ‘it’s like having a bon-fire under your ass,’ the moment is NOW to practice this attitude of acceptance as it is. So I come back to what I just said: be fluid, be still in the center of the movement. Find that place of calm, peaceful, loving energy and rest there. Listen and make choices from here.
Imagine stringing together a series of moments where you just simply are resting in the center of this Beingness. Meditation, movement, free-flowing dance, a sport where we are connected to nature are ways to engage the whole bodymind into this centered place of stillness.
If I am to have any anchor at all, I would say these activities bring me into a state of mind that brings together a space for feeling the quiet still center within and a gentle flow of energy that runs through my blood.
The Guest-house is a poem I have always loved by 13th century poet, Rumi.
This being human is a guest-house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
Be kind to what is in this moment, call on the Angels for their guidance, their all knowing wisdom and I ask that my eyes and heart remain open so I can see the path they light for me to follow.
With gratitude, I light a candle for Hope, Love, Peace, Joy, Health, & Abundance.
Namaste.