Laser Meditation - part 2
I live in a world where time simply passes, not marked by a particular beginning or end; days drift into darkness and back into light. The date on a post tells me how long ago it was that I wrote and then I am pulled back into a reality that is punctuated by days gone by, reminded of minutes accumulating on a timepiece.
The energy in my body dictates what I can do and not do. There is no forcing, pressuring, convincing it that I should be doing more. This just simply isn’t going to happen. And so it goes with writing. I have been patiently waiting for the moments to arrive when my energy will give way to an inspirational flow.
Like a set of waves, inspiration and information comes in swells.
December 13, 2017 brought in a series of big swells; more lung lesions were seen in the PET scan, additional plans made, new strategies brought on board, and expansion needed for emotional adjustments.
Inspecting the lung imagery for unwanted spots!
I was back into the Radio Oncologists office to review the imagery and discuss next steps. Gazing into the large monitors, combing through the layers of changing sections of my lungs, looking for the tiny abnormal spots, is a skill in itself. Being brought back to younger parenting days, playing games with my kids of trying to find, ‘one of these spots is not like the others’ takes up the better part of an hour.
The two lesions are located where they can be lasered with the Cyberknife machine. This news brings a wave of relief through me knowing that I don’t have to contemplate the possibility of surgery. I will need another round of markers for one of the lesions, but the other can be done right away. Treatment is set for the first week of the New Year. Not how I was expecting to start 2018, however I am grateful that I can get on this right away, in fact within three weeks.
Cancer has a way of keeping me hanging on for something positive to materialize. It’s what the mind wants so there is something to grab onto and hopefully rest in a breathing space that says, “ all is well.” But how is everything well, when the doctor keeps telling you more lesions are showing up in your lungs?
I gave myself a couple of days to mourn all of this new information and then I moved on. When the body is calling out, you don’t turn a deaf ear to its’ cry, you open towards the heart of it and ask, ‘what is it I can do for you now?’ Then you listen.
I remind myself that, in fact, most of my body is strong, healthy, and well - and remember that the PET scan showed the rest of my body is all cancer free! Overall, I’m gaining energy, feeling stronger, and slowly building my endurance.
This is more than I’ve felt in a long, long time. I must continue to focus on this very real fact; the health of my immune system is strengthening everyday and I’m finding new ways to keep supporting it.
The body innately knows how to heal itself provided it has all the ingredients; this includes a grateful, healing attitude, an emotionally loving heart, and a deep spiritual connection to a greater source of Faith and Energy that is beyond the physical.
The days up to Christmas were full with doctor’s appointments. Cancer doesn’t care about holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, so you just have to put aside all sentiments about holidays and keep life focused on the path ahead for what is needed. This year the tree and twinkle lights made it through, the rest stayed in a box. Dark chocolate passed the food scrutiny tests; while cookies, gingerbread, and random treats did not.
A cache of dark chocolate & nut oils!
The time had arrived to seriously look at the Ketogenic diet for cancer. I have a new doctor to bring onto my team who specializes in optimizing the cells metabolic functions for ultimate health. He’s been on a Ketogenic diet for over ten years using it to improve the body’s healing capacity. Angels show up at just the right time when I’m ready move along the continuum of this healing journey.
Specific metabolic actions in the cells are the drivers of cancer on a physiologic level. The Ketogenic diet for cancer has compelling evidence for altering the path of cancer reproduction. I’ve had it on hold until I had the energy to try it. For the first time since I was diagnosed, I feel like my mental capacity to try this way of eating is possible. These lesions are pressing in on me and I’m digging deep, tapping into new levels of motivation to come back for another round of resurrecting my health.
In tandem with refining food choices is the commitment to exercise daily; cardio is best everyday around 45-60 minutes. My previous attempts at daily exercise were continually aborted from lack of energy; I just couldn’t sustain the daily routine. Now I was determined more than ever to find this energy where I could keep coming back day after day. Studies have shown that exercise is beneficial to get rid of the cancer cells. Why? Hard to get a straight answer except that it’s good to have more oxygen running through your blood (cancer cells don’t like oxygen), it builds back muscle probably lost through months of treatments, you start to feel better mentally and this naturally gives you more energy for life.
I like the cross trainer for my cardio when I go to the gym. I find the time passes quite nicely with music, podcasts, or sometimes even a meditation. Movement and meditation go well together I’ve found. One day, while doing a meditation, I had an image of myself running along a mountain ridge with endless energy. Another time, I was running through a huge field of Tulips and there were just a few weeds I noticed that were dying out and being replaced with more healthy, colorful flowers. The imagery is powerful and when you’re moving on a machine or out in nature, the energy and feeling that comes from this kind of imagery is I believe, ultimately healing for your whole body. You feel and see your body as one healthy and whole being.
My daily healing routine includes eating ketogenically (more on this in a separate post), balancing exercise with cardio, endurance, and weights, taking my natural health supplements (over a 100 pills a day now!) and of course daily meditation sprinkled with body movement either Yoga, Qigong, or stretching. I like rolling around on the floor too!
Punctuated by these daily routines, Cyberknife treatments rotate into the schedule.
Corinne's back to help me with another round of radiation
If there’s any treatment that I can look forward to, it’s Cyberknife. I show up after New Years and am greeted by one of the technicians, Corinne who I knew from when I had the initial radiation on the primary tumor in the Spring. The energy is like a reunion from a previous celebration: hugs, smiles, and salutations. I was happy this time to see her as she had helped me through some painful times. For me, it’s like seeing an old friend who knows something special about you that most people don’t and that’s automatically what makes your time together unusual. Especially in this case where we are meeting for laser surgery.
The set up is familiar, I give her the music I brought and lay myself on the bed.
Having this non-invasive surgery treatment is like blending the best of medical science with mystical meditative healing. Both are using a very specific focus to stimulate healing. I take advantage of this ‘quiet time’ to amplify all the healing potential with the Cyberknife and what I can attain through meditation.
Healthy lungs with just a teeny, tiny growth out of place!
I’m laying on the table as if my mother had just tucked me into bed when I was a little girl. Preparing myself for another timeless journey out of the body while the laser machine hones into the small grouping of cells near my diaphragm. I’m in my own concert as the sound of the flute comes in mixed with crashing waves and seagulls; the lights are dimmed and the machine begins to make its familiar sounds.
This marks another beginning of a Cyberknife meditation. I imagine the lasers energy seamlessly penetrating into targeted cells while I open my mind up to the scenes that unveil themselves before me. Today, I was whisked off to a large white sand beach and saw myself dancing with a huge white silk sail of material, it was floating from the sea breeze, gently encouraged to twist and turn in the air as my body moved effortlessly along the stretch of beach. Each limb moving with freedom and ease catching the early morning swish of the grasses as they too stretch up towards the light.
The hum and buzzing of the machine dips in and away from my awareness mixing in with the music almost as if creating a song of their own. I move along the beach towards a large fire ringed by a circle with a giant single pointed candle burning brightly out of the center of the fire. The silk sail is drawn into the flames and disappears.
“make your dreams so big you have to reinvent yourself to meet them. ”
60 minutes has passed and I slowly come back into the room hearing the giant thick door glide open, Kevin coming in to say, ‘it’s all over Leslie, time to wake up!’ Another one down and one more to go in this 4th series.
Dreamy, endless beaches of Lofoten, Norway
Transitioning back into the physical world is heavy and slow. It takes time to get back into the body and step into the world. Often, this might be going for something to eat at my favorite vegetarian buffet or just a café crème. There is a complete feeling of tiredness, like the body has just had a workout, but it doesn’t come with the endorphins and the recovery is slow.
A cascade of side effects kicks in after each session and it seems that every time I have done a series of these, they are slightly different. I’m always caught off guard and surprised by what shows up. The beginning of the New Year Cyberknife 3rd series was a breeze. I wasn’t tired, did each treatment and then carried on as if nothing happened.
This time, I am unraveled emotionally and mentally. Any buffer or sense of resilience I thought I had was certainly not available to me now. Trying to organize straightforward tasks like sorting out all my pills became an exhausting chore that drained my energy. I realized at this point that my body needs an enormous amount of mental, emotional, and physical energy just to function and to keep healing.
Healing is going on all the time and the cells need energy to become strong and healthy. This can be hard to grasp when it’s something that isn’t seen with the outer eye and so much of life’s daily tasks are taken for granted.
Recovering from a big illness that has probably been years in the making, takes time and patience. So when there’s a loss of emotional and mental resilience, the body is saying, rest. Don’t indulge in the negative thinking and behavior that comes with the tiredness, notice it and let it be. Eventually, it dies out.
Feeling strong and healthy in the mountains!
Stay focused on the healing that is happening, the healthy, strong body that is being re-built. The body wants to come back to the Temple it once was and it can do this when its fed with love, compassion, clean food, exercise, and healing activities like meditation, yoga, contemplative movement, and positive imagery or visualization.