Is Peace Within Possible?
Testing my balance at the Spielplatz in Jungfrau
This is a long overdue Post, that is now spilling over from Summer into Fall and if I don’t get it out soon, it will be Winter! The Summer days gently floated one into the next with easy trips to the Zurichsee with my SUP.
Lazy Summer Days
Family was here through out July and August, all unplanned making the visits even more special as I wasn’t expecting to see Megin and Brendan until Christmastime. This year breaks a record for seeing them more than once a year! It was almost like we lived on the same continent! My mom came for two months and we survived the heat wave with early morning swims and extended afternoon visits to the lake.
More Cyberknife
Through July and August, I had two rounds of Cyberknife treatments each round takes three visits targeting 4 spots in total. While I say this is the Cadillac of radiation treatment, it still tires me out after each treatment. One good sleep does not blast away the deep tiredness. I found the best way to recover was to be outside in the fresh air, moving slowly, with no agenda. Nowhere to go and nothing to do, just be present.
Do Nothing, Feel Good
“Listen inside and do your best to support your whole self for transformative healing. ”
A slow walk with Mom & Brendan up to this oasis of an outdoor restaurant in the Walensee.
When I created a ‘to do’ list for myself of things that needed doing and I tried to get through it, I just couldn’t manage it. So, I gave in and let go into noticing when I felt good and this is what I did. I managed some forest walks, sitting by the lakeside, and enjoying ‘Kaffee und Kuchen’ at mountain restaurants.
I was feeling good overall. In general, my energy level was improving slowly and my mind felt clear and happy. I knew there were upcoming control exams in September for my pelvic area where the primary tumor was and then again CT and PET scans at the end of September. For now, I was enjoying living free of all the exams and doctor visits except for the Cyberknife treatments.
Loving Yourself vs Healing Yourself
This Fall, I listened to the Healing Cancer Summit hosted by Kris Carr and the interviews got me thinking about the difference between focusing on healing or whole hearted loving. When I think about healing my body, it implies there is a split between what’s good and what’s bad, meaning something is not OK in my body and needs to be fixed.
With an ongoing or long term health condition, it can start to get tiring always focusing on healing. Constantly, noticing what’s not quite perfect yet and working to bring about change. There’s always a feeling of, “my body’s still not 100% OK.”
By loving yourself, you are saying that “I don’t have to be perfect,” I can be OK regardless of what’s going on, the love is unconditional. There is no judgment about where there might be pain or misguided cells. You simply come back to an inner place of, no matter what is happening, you love your WHOLE BODY.
Is Peace Within Possible?
This can be quite challenging to do if you are faced with a cancer diagnosis or another serious illness. How do you come to terms with loving yourself when your body is letting you down? This is really challenging because all you want to do is get better and of course, there is something that’s not well inside you. Is it possible to find peace within while there are imbalances happening?
I bow with reverence to the divine heart within. See your inner temple lit by many small lights of love. MUDRA cards for awakening the energy body.
When you open to the heart energy inside and learn to love yourself as you love a child, a close family member or a dear friend, you begin to bring self- compassion and loving to your own heartself. This becomes healing. So when you turn towards the cancerous cells and love them, you stop the separation and the battle that’s going on inside. You make peace with these cells and bring them into the whole of your being opening up the possibility for transformation to happen. A cellular transformation that comes through the active focus of loving and a belief that wholeness brings together separation, from here healing happens how it needs to.
Doorstep of Forgiveness
Evening inspiration outside my hospital window.
I arrived on the doorstep of forgiveness in one of my Counseling sessions, I cried over the separation I felt inside, I longed for my cells to be united in their single minded focus of: Live, Seek and Bring Health, Die and then do it all over again the next day. I am profoundly moved inside when I keep discovering these hidden places of deep disparity inside, working at opposing forces. The best healing for this I find is giving myself self-compassion and forgiveness. Letting go of the way things were, accepting without judging the situation as it is, and finding the pathways of bringing love into all aspects of my Self, my Body, my Cells. Loving myself as I am now. Period. No negotiations.
Scans, Controls, & Biopsies
It was after a routine Endosonography control exam on my rectum in September, the area of the original primary tumor, where the biopsy came back showing some cancerous cells in the tissues. Shockwaves went through me when I heard this news over the phone. The pictures showed a perfectly healthy rectum and the doctor said, ‘looks like your disease has stabilized’ let’s do a colonoscopy in 6 months.
Since I finished the radiation in June 2017, I have been healthy and showing no signs of recurrence so it was the last thing on my mind when I went in for the control exam. Feeling like I’d been cut off at the knees that afternoon; I had sent myself a chart from a recent talk I’d heard on cancer and healing about 9 common themes of healing. (more on this in part 2 of this posting) I will share one theme that stood out for me with this news: Take Charge of Your Health.
Take Charge of Your Health
From the Cancer Summit talk by Dr. Kelly Turner on Radical Remissions: How to tap into your body’s innate ability to heal.
Instead of falling victim to this news of: ‘Why ME, how can this be after all I’ve been doing, doesn’t any of it count?’ I found ways to move on with this most recent information. But first, I cried---hard and I was an emotional wreck that afternoon and evening. With support of others and finding yet, another new place inside myself, I found a way to sleep and come back in the morning with a fresh perspective on my life.
How to Take Charge of My Life? Armed with information from doctor’s visits and thoughtful conversations, inner listening, I was open for the next direction. After I met with my surgeon, he suggested a less invasive procedure to go in and cut away the ‘misguided’ cells. This felt right for me and we made the date for 2 November 2018.
Hospital Retreat
Today, I sit at a table next to my hospital bed looking out the window to the beautiful golden colours of Fall with sunshine streaming in the window.
A less invasive procedure, I thought I would be out after 3 days and that I’d be skipping back into the countryside on Monday. Not so. There were more cells off track than expected and the doctor wanted me to stay all week on an IV, fed liquids, antibiotics, and vitamins. Surprise! You’re going on a liquid diet for a week. This is to give my rectal area a chance to heal and to stop any infection, also to control my energy output. It’s working! A journey, it’s been once again, of unexpected twists and turns and another phase of my healing marathon.
Tomorrow, will be 2 years exactly that I had my first lung operation and surgery ever in my life. When I think back to everything that has happened between now and then, it’s been a very full life lived with one event after another; something I could never have imagined or made up in my wildest dreams!
I leave you with:
Be moved by the wisdom of your body, dance into the night sky and you will be guided on a course that is exactly for you. Trust in this starlight path and the healing loving power that lies within you.